Could you be a bully?
Words by Anna Eliatamby
We are all fallible. And we will, at some point, use negative and shadow behaviours to interact with others. The UK government has defined bullying as ‘behaviour that makes someone feel intimidated or offended.’
Let’s explore the extent to which you use bullying and intimidation and why.
What do you do?
Think back to the last three months. Please rate yourself to the extent to which you used these behaviours.
1= never, 2=once every three months, 3=every month, 4=every week, 5=every day
[ ] Belittled someone
[ ] Refused to listen to an opposing viewpoint
[ ] Shouted at another
[ ] Gossiped or spread false rumours
[ ] Withheld key information because you didn’t like the person
[ ] Falsely implied that a colleague or subordinate was incompetent
[ ] Discriminated against someone because of their difference
[ ] Taken revenge because of a perceived slight
[ ] Disliked someone and then blocked them
[ ] Expressed your frustration inappropriately
Please add up your total score.
Most of us, at some point, will have used one or more of these behaviours. The main issue is the extent to which they are part of our daily repertoire and whether we are prepared to admit fault and make reparations.
0-30
Clearly, the lower your score, the better. It is good that you don’t often use these actions. However, remember that subordinates and colleagues are likely to remember what you have done, even if it is just once. And then wait in trepidation for its recurrence, despite your apologies. It takes time to rebuild trust.
Therefore, it is still worth exploring how and why you use these behaviours. And then seeing how you could change.
30 and above
If your overall score is above 30, then there is a significant issue for you and the impact you have. You may also not want to use these actions, but are not sure what else you could do. It can be difficult to admit that you use these behaviours. Give yourself permission to explore why you use them so that you can allow yourself to change. It will be worth it.
Understanding yourself
It is likely that we use negative and destructive behaviours when we are insecure or stressed. Very few of us will use these shadow behaviours because we like them and their effect.
Here are some questions for you to look at why you have used these actions. Place an X on the scale to indicate your answer.
How good are you at managing your frustrations?
0………………………………………4………………………………………………….7
Poor Excellent
How well do you understand what triggers your negative behaviours?
0………………………………………..4……………………………………………………7
Limited Excellent
How wide is your repertoire of other more positive behaviours that you could use?
0……………………………………………4………………………………………………7
Limited Excellent
How confident are you in your skills, talents and abilities and how you use them?
0………………………………………………4………………………………………………7
Limited Excellent
How willing are you to listen, learn, and change?
0…………………………………………………4……………………………………………..7
Not willing Willing
If you have ranked yourself on the lower end of the scales, then you may find it difficult to change. But it is possible with support. Admitting that we have an issue is the first healing step.
We need to be ready to explore the impact of our actions. What or who triggers you? If a person is the trigger, then is it because they remind you of something about which you are uncomfortable? If so, whose problem is it?
What could you do differently to have a more positive effect? Look at the positives and build on them. For example, we often understand others’ weaknesses. Why not use these skills to support the person build on their positives? Would it help to have some sessions with an actor to look at your communication style and change? Why not go on a leadership course to learn alternative behaviours?
Create a sustained plan for change so that you rehearse the new repertoire with support. Identify when you could self-sabotage and what the triggers could be. What could you do instead?
Review the rest of your life. Make sure that you are looking after yourself and have good emotional support. Are there any physical health or mental health issues that you ignore?
Perhaps you are being bullied yourself? What could you do to address the situation? Your ability to act may depend on your courage and power. If you cannot do anything, what can you do to cope?
Even if you have ranked yourself higher on the scales, it is worthwhile carrying out the exercise above so you can learn and grow. It will benefit you and others in your life.
Bullying is a protective mechanism we can use but think of the damage that arises. That is why we need to change.
Anna Eliatamby is a aclinical psychologist, workplace well-being expert and editor: Healthy Leadership and Organisations: Beyond The Shadow Side. £14.99.