Can I have a word?

Other than ‘we need to talk’ or ‘you’d better sit down’ there is probably no single phrase that turns blood to ice quicker than ‘Can I have a word?’, especially when it’s uttered by your boss.

For a lot of people, hearing those words from their manager launches a maelstrom of panic, as they try to figure out what they’ve done wrong or start catastrophising about losing their career, partner and home, and end up living in a tent under a bridge and having their face eaten off by badgers in the middle of the night.

But given that regular interaction between a manager and employee is designed to be a normal feature of work life, it’s surprising how many people freak out when a manager initiates a meeting without explicitly providing a reason.

"All we know from this is that our boss considers the conversation too private to share with the office,” explains business coach Phil Drinkwater.

“With such little information, we fill in the blanks with a story that prepares. If we tend to see life through a lens of negativity, or this kind of phrase has led to detrimental conversations in the past, it's likely we'll anticipate bad news and start to think back on what we did wrong recently.”

As a result our threat warning system - amygdala - goes into overdrive and decides it is extremely threatening until proven otherwise.

”There is a power association with this phrase that is likely to link to childhood or very early working life for many of us which we associate with a problem that is of our making,” says Julian Hall from Calm People.

“It lends itself straight into the Berne Transactional Analysis model of interactions where we assume roles of either Parent, Adult or Child. The Impetus of this, depending on the tone of voice, can lead many of us to a childlike role in the conversation.

”Most emotionally intelligent people know the impact this phrase can have on other people and so if it is being used there can be a teasing/bullying element to it.”

Want to avoid scaring the bejeezus out of someone when you need to talk to them about work? Try:

“I need your help with something, can I have a quick chat?”

”There is a problem I need your help with, can we have a moment to chat?"

So is there anything you can do to stop that sudden rush of anxiety and panic?

“Firstly remember most issues are not all about you,” says Julian.

”You do not control the world and therefore are not responsible for all the problems in it. Try instead breathing from your belly for a couple of minutes to get the oxygen levels back up and try listening...just listen.

”Normally, you will pick up evidence that counteracts your fear-based emotional reaction. If we do not take steps to calm and look for the neutral or positive evidence then many of us are likely to accelerate towards conflict just to get it out of the way.”

Another effective way to combat the fear is to reduce the focus on this worst-case scenario by imagining the most likely and best scenarios too, adds Phil

“How likely are each of these? If we imagine ourselves in these more positive conversations, our anxiety can calm. We can also plan for the story beyond losing our job by seeing what options we'll have, without discounting any.

”It may not be perfect, but we can usually find a path through and come out the other side fairly unscathed."