Being a working mum: tribes and tribulations
A decade down the line feels like the right time to reflect on a career and more so what it now means to be a working mother. The support for women who are continuing their careers, the people who are championing change in parliament, and the narrative of flexibility in the workplace is vast and evolving in more ways than we could have imagined post-pandemic.
For many years I didn’t experience the stigma that is attached to being a working mother. I was happily building my career, agency side in digital marketing. I am a first-generation woman in the sense that I was able to go to university, obtain a degree, and start a career seizing every opportunity with no gender bias. Later came our first home, marriage, and we started our family.
The secret to being a working mother is… there is no secret.
Three baby boys in five years and each time I’ve returned to work with a renewed purpose. After the first maternity leave was about restoring my belief in my role and making a part-time pattern work for both us as a family and the team. In the midst of the second maternity leave came a crisis in confidence (“How on earth can I go back with two children?”) and ironically what shook this up was a promotion, which meant not returning wasn’t really an option anymore.
The third and final return to work was filled with excitement because I had the blueprint that only needed a tweak here and there for us to be able to make it work as a family. Three children in and director of the client services team, we were in deep. This time going back to work wasn’t anywhere near as hard. It felt ‘tried and tested’ by this point.
Women are leaving the workplace though. We’ve had endless talent leave industries across the country as families struggled to survive lockdowns and homeschool. What I can confidently say is there isn’t a secret to being able to make work, work. To achieve harmony as a working mother is a series of decisions you’ll make along the way and more importantly it is the network you’ll build around your family.
The tribe is everything, choose wisely.
It is no coincidence I call my network ‘the tribe’, because having a reliable, fierce, passionate, and supportive group of people around you is the backbone to life as working parent. Your partner is going to need to be as invested in your career as their own. They’ll be onboard with how your work schedule fits their own, the home, and the needs of your children at each stage of their childhood. Sometimes there isn’t a partner at home, and I have the honour of working with women who navigate the world of work and family with their tribes further afield. My respect for them is endless.
Practically, your childcare is a huge part of the support system that enables you to work. In the UK this is still an enormous percentage of your monthly income. It might be a nursery, a childminder, a nanny, or, for the lucky, family members. Whilst it is almost always a big expenditure, weaving it into your financial planning in the early years will pay off. Good choices in childcare will be what gets you from A to B and gives you the gift of time to be able to focus on your role. Explore your options for government support (tax free childcare, early years funding) and weave the childcare into your flexible work pattern if you have one.
Childcare changes with each year that passes and with each baby born. What once worked for location or offering might not as your family grows. We’ve tried lots of different childcare set ups to suit our family and work schedules. Nurseries, pre-schools, wonderful nannies, and brilliant grandparents have all played an important role. Your tribe will include other working mothers too, so be sure to listen to them. They will provide valuable information on childcare that will see you through.
Your network won’t let you or your children down. They will be loving, caring, intuitive people, and they will believe in your career. They will be the first to bring a home cooked meal (endlessly, thank you mum) and be at the school gates when you can’t and celebrate the important milestones and achievements.
Then of course there is the team you work with. It has been a privilege to navigate the early years of parenthood with a leadership team who were already parents. They’ve supported us, showed empathy, and understand the limitations that young people can sometimes put on us. The great homeschool of 2020/21 is just one example of how together we made the impossible, possible.
Be where you need to be.
One of the most powerful lines that is used at Crafted is “be where you need to be”. Your children are going to be sick, the school play is going to be during the day, the nursery is going to phone. There will be broken bones, exhaustion, and chicken pox. Being where you need to be gives you permission to not have to choose. It means you can follow your instinct and give your family the dedicated time to focus on the thing that pulls you from the office.
Day to day think about who needs you and when. It might be that you work full-time and that is more than ok. Let go of other people’s expectations on what normal looks like for women. You’ll probably find that after the first precious year of maternity leave how many days you work a week is a big deal to some people. Believe me, in years to come friends and family will have a wealth of different work patterns that have adapted over the years as their families grew and their careers developed. Focus on what works for you and your role and be confident in your choice. Flexibility means you don’t have to fit a 9-5 model on set days a week.
You’ll need a clear routine and the ability to manage your calendars. It is inevitable that sometimes home life and work blur in a world where we are ever switched on across multiple devices. But technology is powerful in the pause mode too. Your out of office is a simple but important tool. Make it personal. If you are making dinner for your family, let your team know that. Lead by example by leaving loudly and with purpose because you are setting the example to younger people that one day might be parents with children to get back for.
You’re in the wilderness, keep going.
When you return to work after having a baby it is important to remember you’re not going back to what you knew. The truth is you are probably still somewhere in the wilderness. A period of about two to five years when life is all consuming because you’re keeping tiny human beings alive. One day you are going to start to re-emerge from that wilderness, but along the way you will have built a unique skillset. You will be an amazing communicator, problem solver, someone with a new range of empathy and experience.
Remove the guilt that arrives at your doorstep because it serves you no purpose. When you feel guilt, reach for your “why?” … “I am doing this because my income is important to my family / my role is meaningful / I adore what I do and who I get to do it with”.
Your ambition is only limited by your attitude so while the wilderness years are tough remember to show up with purpose, believe that your contribution counts, and your resilience is a superpower.
Join the people that are fighting to end the motherhood penalty (Pregnant then screwed) and those that are campaigning for flexible working (Mother Pukka). These have been valuable resources for championing flexibility and equality for working parents in my own role.
I believe the magic will happen when we have real flexibility – for everyone. If working fathers are given the same opportunities to do the school run and support childcare in the early years, then we will all have an equal place in both the workplace and the family home.
Keep going.
Zoe